Our truths, particularly those that don’t align with society/culture/family expectations, can be hard to face. They can be even harder to articulate.
I want to normalize here the act of celebrating the speaking our truths, even when we say it late. Even when it goes against something we agreed to moments ago.
Whether it’s something that others in our lives have seen forever or are never going to see, we have the right to know and express our truths in our own time.
The practice of defining ourselves, knowing ourselves, is by nature imperfect. And the only way we can get better at our self-hood is by sitting in the discomfort. And often, we are so pre-programmed to code switch and people-please that knowing our true deep-down reaction can sometimes come WAY after the moment. And that’s okay. I want to normalize having a delayed reaction when our truths are compromised. It’s okay to take your time articulating why you’re feeling discomfort. It’s okay if you don’t even know you’re feeling discomfort until much, much later.
I’ll give an example. (CW: deadnaming)
A health professional I worked with exactly one time made me feel so icky, I was so surprised, I couldn’t say anything in the moment. On paper, she checked a lot of boxes for me. She knew my legal name for insurance purposes and from her impossibly lengthy repetitive intake paperwork–(for the record, if you work with me I won’t subject you to that kind of documentation trauma). And she also knew the name I go by and prefer to be called (which is Cory or Dr. C if you’re wondering–and if you are, hi, nice to meet you!!). Yet, this person, a woman who advertises herself as LGBT+-informed and trained, told me I should use my legal name when I publish because it “Sounds literary.” This woman also told me I should be making more money–she even gave me an EXACT dollar amount. And she told me I NEEDED to journal every single day. She even questioned how much caffeine I drink in a day which was not even related to her specialty.
It felt like the advice she was giving me was, at best, prescriptive, like from some generic checklist.
When Advice is too Prescriptive, Are We Truly Being Seen?
I couldn’t say anything in the moment. Not about the journaling, not about the coffee, and certainly not about the name trauma she was inflicting on me. I was so blinded by our power dynamic, I felt silenced. I ignored my own alarm-bells telling me this moment was unsafe. In fact, I scheduled like four more appointments with her.
Then finally that night my own truth-pattern emerged. Maybe you’re familiar? It’s the one where you think everything is fine or maybe have a vague feeling of discomfort, but then your subconscious brain or body decides for you that what just happened was all wrong for you. For me, that pattern is usually this: I go to bed peacefully, then I wake up after a couple hours with my heart pounding from some weird nightmare about not being able to find the right hoodie at a college bookstore or having to stack firewood in the rain but the pile keeps moving.
Then I’m up for hours stewing about the thing that just happened, the thing I agreed to earlier that day. And I used to feel shame about that. I used to feel guilty that I always had to undo so much–in the case of this healthcare professional, I had to cancel all our future appointments which was awkward and unexpectedly laborious.
Maybe you need to hear this and save this and say it to yourself when you have similar moments:
I will not feel shame anymore for having a delayed reaction to an assault on my truth. Because what that means is that I still, after all these years, hope for kindness from people. I still hope for the best from them. So if that means that from my lens, this person in front of me who I have deemed safe is attacking me at my very core and it takes time to recognize it, then SO BE IT.
I can find my truth and express myself in my own time, however that looks. Even if that makes sense to no one but me.
Things WILL be amazing and beautiful, and there is no room in my life for those who question the deep-down true me. Even in a skewed power dynamic like with a health professional or family member. I deserve excellent medical care where I feel safe. I deserve family and friends who see the real me. And I won’t settle for any less.
